How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back
Breakups are hard, especially if they were unexpected and the love was real.
When faced with a breakup, it can sometimes feel like it is the end. Life is over. That’s a bit dramatic, but relationships are often dramatic, and it’s normal to feel things you usually don’t when faced with losing something or someone that is important to you.
I’ve gone through my fair share of breakups, and I’ve watched as friends have gone through theirs. It’s an experience that I don’t wish for anyone to have to go through, yet it’s also an experience that I realize has the potential to really make you face yourself and come out better for it on the other end.
Growth is important, and growth is exactly how you’re going to get your ex girlfriend back; and, I’m the one who is going to show you how to do it.
How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back
In order for you to get your ex f=girlfriend back, you’re first going to need to understand how you lost her.
If you don’t know what the problem was that caused her to leave in the first place, how are you going to know what needs to be fixed to convince her to come back?
And if you can convince her to come back without knowing what the problem was, how are you going to then be able to get her to stay without knowing how to prevent the problem that pushed her away from arising again?
Getting your ex girlfriend back should not be your ultimate focus. Keeping your ex girlfriend by your side once you get her back should be, and to do that requires being able to put your pride and ego to the side and really take the time to reflect on everything that has happened and everything that you want to happen.
1. Recognize Your Feelings
The first in getting your ex back is to first recognize that she is gone. Often our first instinct when faced with something that we feel is too much to handle and that hurts us is to minimize its importance and our feelings about it.
When broken up with, for example, we may pretend we don’t really care and say to anyone who’ll listen that the person who left us wasn’t all that anyway.
We may minimize their appearance, their importance, their intelligence, their being. We minimize them, and in minimizing them, we minimize ourselves in the process.
If your ex isn’t that great, and they left you, then what are you saying about yourself? That you’re really not that great? No! As much as it may hurt to feel sometimes, it’s important to do so and not hide.
Another way people avoid dealing with their emotions about a breakup is to focus on one particular emotion to drown out the rest. If a breakup is particularly painful, for example, you may drown out your sadness by being excessively angry and aggressive.
Or, if you’re really angry about a breakup and fear what you might do, you may drown those feelings out by being incredibly nice and drowning out your anger towards your ex with declarations of love and romantic views of a relationship that may have been more toxic and painful than you’re willing to admit.
Doing either of these things isn’t good either because not only are your denying yourself the opportunity to experience very real emotions that are valid to feel, you are also getting in the way of you being able to successfully get back and keep your ex.
No one is going to want to go back to and stay with an angry boyfriend, and a relationship built on love that belies real feelings of anger and resentment doesn’t stand a chance.
To get your ex girlfriend back and keep her, you’re first going to have to allow yourself to feel everything that the breakup is throwing your way.
Whether it’s pain, anger, resentment, joy, relief, dread, whatever the feeling may be, you need to feel it all. And expect some waves, one day you could be on cloud nine, over it all, and the next you could be drowning in despair. That is okay.
From this emotion will come clarity. During this time, you’re likely to replay the relationship in your head and in your heart. What went wrong, how it all started, what you loved, and what you’ll never miss will all become clear, and this clarity and this information will guide you in the next step.
2. Create a Game Plan
Going about life willy-nilly can get you nowhere and everywhere fast. It is a very inconsistent way to live. And when you’re trying to get your ex back and keep her, the last thing you should want to deal with is inconsistencies. That is where your game plan will come into play.
You have likely heard of the five stages of grief, but what about the five stages of a relationship?
Many couples break up in the third stage, often called the “burying” or disillusionment stage. During this stage the honeymoon phase has worn off and all you’re left with now is the reality of your partner and the daily contests of day-to-day life.
This stage of a relationship is not glamorous, but it’s an important one. It tests you. It helps you to see who your partner really is and whether the two of you can make it and fight the trials and tribulations of life together without cracking or breaking down.
If you’re reading this article then chances are the answer to that test wasn’t . . . great, to say the least. However, all is not lost because the fourth stage of relationships is resurfacing or in your case (if all goes to plan) reconciliation.
During this stage, couples recognize each other again, and they love each other again. And if they happen to have broken up in stage three, then in this stage the couple feels something similar to a second honeymoon phase.
In this stage, a couple is stronger than ever. They faced the dark side of themselves and the worst potentials of their relationship and still they survived. It’s a feat worth celebrating and being proud of.
In order for you and your ex girlfriend to have your resurfacing, you’re going to need to use the clarity gained from step one to create a list. This list needs to detail a few things:
Once you’ve constructed your game plan, it’s time to move on to step three. But first, a little about the importance of love languages.
The Five Love Languages
We express and feel love differently. Some of us prefer gifts, others seek quality time with their partners. I crave practical acts of service, while you or someone else may need physical touch or words of affirmation.
While we each have our primary love language, it’s important to note that at the end of the day, humans aren’t narrow or single-minded creatures who don’t shift or change. We aren’t one note. So while acts of service is my love language, I still enjoy receiving gifts, and I need the warm touch of a partner and reassuring words of affirmation here and there too.
The reason I am bringing this up is because a great way that you can show your ex girlfriend that you are serious about her and genuinely want to make her happy and make the relationship work is by taking the time to learn her love language and be willing to do things that speak to her specific love needs.
Often relationships fail not because of a lack of love, but because partners aren’t willing to or don’t know how to show their partner how much they love them in a way their partner can understand or appreciate.
We typically show love in the way they we wish to receive, and if two people don’t share the same love language, this can cause fissures in a relationship that can eventually break it up.
Now, you don’t have to change your love language to your partners to make a relationship work. All that will do is leave you feeling unloved in the way you really need it. Instead, you just need to be willing to show love in a way that is different than how you wish to receive it yourself.
Now onto the next step of getting your ex girlfriend back.
Now, when I say confrontation, I don’t mean actually confronting your ex and telling her everything she has done wrong and how she has broken your heart. I also don’t want you to ambush her or come at her randomly when she isn’t expecting it.
Instead, by confrontation, I want you to reach out to your ex gently. You don’t want to come on too strong or make her feel like it’s a setup. You also don’t want to be so passive that she gets annoyed or feel like too much of the pressure on what to do next is on her.
Simply send your ex a message or an email asking to meet up somewhere privately but where she’ll still feel safe.
In your message, lay out your feelings and tell her about the work you’ve done already to try and fix things and make her feel more loved and supported. Make sure she knows you’re serious about her and your relationship, and ensure that she understands the importance of both to you.
Be careful not to push too hard, so that she feels like she has some say in the matter, and know that at the end of the day, she has the right to say no.
If she responds, first recognize the gravity of the situation and how great it is that you at least have some contact and communication with her now. Even if her response isn’t great or is hostile, at least recognize to yourself that she has at least responded and progress is being made.
If her response is hostile, follow up with support for her feelings. Make sure she knows you hear/see them and aren’t ignoring them for your own desires. Getting back with your ex girlfriend will take time and communication. Remember to be patient.
Feelings are high when you are dealing with two people who once loved each other freely and are now fractured. Recognize that she may not have done the same work as you did in step one and that she may have some feelings to work through that your presence and messages may surface.
Once things between you and your ex start becoming more settled and you are together again, it is time to move onto step four.
4. Conclusion and How to Keep the Relationship Going Strong
It is time for you to get your ex girlfriend back. In this article we’ve discussed the importance of exploring your emotions following a breakup to gain clarity for reconciliation. We’ve also discussed the five love languages and their importance. What you do with this information is up to you.
To keep your reconciled (or any) relationship going strong, it is imperative that you’re aware of and avoid the four horsemen of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism in a relationship is expected, but it is important to be mindful of how you criticize your partner, yourself, and your relationship if you want to keep it going strong.